The Christmas season is a very sentimental and emotional time for many...and more this year for me than every before. As I grow closer to Jesus, and behold just what God has done for us in sending himself in the flesh...as a little baby, I am just overwhelmed with gratitude and filled with awe. Losing my baby has brought me into a deeper heart knowledge of God and His love in allowing his only son to be sacrificed for all that would believe in him. Celebrating Jesus as a "baby" at Christmas makes it all the more emotional, naturally. Many times I felt that Evelyn was sacrificed for my life. Symbolically, I see her as a little Jesus to me. The reality is I led a very sinful life prior to Evie's entry into my life...which began long before I gave birth to her. See, God knows us before we are ever born, and in a sense, I believe our children are known to us in a deep place before they are ever conceived. Maybe it's the love that grows between a man and a woman prior to having children, or for instance, the discussion of baby names before a child is on the way. Evie was named a few short months before her life essentially began here on earth.
As I have read stories in the Bible about child loss, and in some instances as a result of sin, I have naturally concluded at times that this is why she died...because of my sin. Only yesterday I had this discussion with a group of friends after church. One man in the conversation assured me that her death was not result of anything I did wrong. I have been told this many times, but how can I not think that when I read the exact opposite in the Bible? I do know that God disciplines those he considers sons and daughters, and it is out of his love for us, to make us more like his son, Jesus. There are also very real consequences to sin here on earth. Sometimes I think that Evie was taken home to be with her heavenly father to spare me of a tough life as a single mother, but mostly I think it was for her to be spared of the complicated and possibly dysfunctional life that she would have had, given the dynamics between her father and I. Maybe she was not sacrificed at all, but was spared and blessed...with my life being the sacrifice...of having to carry the weight of her absence for the rest of my life.
I prayed a lot about this that afternoon, because bringing this up again stirs up a lot of emotion and anxiety for me. I was kinda dozing in and out of sleep as I do often during prayer, and many of you are probably thinking oh yeah, that happens to me too! And having narcolepsy makes this a very often occurrence for me. Sometimes I hear songs or words during this dozing time, in an very real, audible way. Auditory hallucinations are a symptom of narcolepsy...upon sleeping or waking..."half-asleep" states as I call them. No, I don't just "hear things" walking around in broad day light! I feel God has only used this disorder in a way that allows me to hear him and grow closer to him through it. God can speak to all of us, to our hearts, our minds, in dreams, through scripture, through people, and even audibly sometimes. What I hear from God during these times of waking or dozing are not random. Moreover, there are only a handful of times I have heard from God in this way and I can back it up with what cannot be considered coincidence.
Yesterday as I was dozing off in my prayer time, I heard "kings," which caused me to wake up fully. I immediately thought to read in Kings. When I got to the chapter, I just started reading where I landed...and began reading the story of Jeroboam and his son, Abijah. Basically Abijah gets sick, so Jeroboam sends his wife and the child to the prophet, Ahijah, to find out what will become of the child. This is the same prophet that told Jeroboam he would be king. When she arrived, Ahijah(prophet) told her that because Jeroboam had not been like God's servant David who kept all the commandments, and who followed God with all his heart, but instead did more evil than all who came before him, he would bring disaster on his house. Abijah then said to her, "When your feet enter the city, the child shall die. And all Israel shall mourn for him and bury him, for he is the only one of Jeroboam who shall come to the grave, because in him there is found something good toward the Lord God of Israel in the house of Jeroboam." 1 Kings 14:12,13. The way it is stated makes it seem as if this child is the ONLY one who gets the honor of death, because of his favor with the Lord. The footnotes in my Bible say, "Sometimes God takes the life of the righteous to spare them from evil." It references Isaiah 57:1: "The righteous perishes, And no man takes it to heart; Merciful men are taken away, While no one considers that the righteous is taken away from evil. He shall enter into peace..." The footnotes here say: "We will never know until heaven how many godly men and women have died early in life as a result of God's grace. He takes some home so that evil things might not touch them."
I know that by God's grace he led me to this scripture, and I now feel I have the answer for my daughter's death...one that is good enough for me, as I will most likely never fully understand her early death, because God's ways and his thoughts are so much higher than ours. I feel after this I will no longer focus on her death as a punishment for my sins, but as a sign of her goodness, that by God's grace he would spare her from the evil that could have hurt her in this world. And for that, all I can say is "Hallelujah!"
Showing posts with label child loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child loss. Show all posts
Monday, December 3, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Miracle-Exodus 31
I title this miracle, because it truly is a miracle. I have received a handful of "miracles" from God after I gave my life to him, and I cannot wait to share them all soon!
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds. Psalm 73:28
My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. Psalm 71:15
I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. Psalm 9:1
After losing Evie, I struggled to find purpose in my life. I was in this weird place, because I had prepared for so long to be her mother and to take care of her, and when I lost her...I knew I was still her mother, but she was not here on earth for me to care for anymore. I knew I was called to go deeper into God's Word, and I knew that I enjoyed using my creativity. I had started my business with Premier Designs Jewelry, and I had also begun making what I now call "Jewel Boards." These are framed jewelry organizers.
It was really on my heart to start making something in wood. I wasn't sure why, but it had become a strong desire of mine. I also knew that I wanted to make something for parents that had lost children. I was feeling very confused for a time about what God really wanted me to do with my life. There were times when I felt He wanted me to give up everything and go to India to work with women and children...and although I do still feel this is in the future for me, I didn't have peace that "now" was the right time. I know that it will be in my future in some way or another, whether it is full-time mission work, a ministry of my own, or short-term missions. I am leaving that up to how God continues to shape it into my life. For now, I am fundraising once a year at Evie's birthday through the "Jewels from Heaven" benefit to benefit ministries in India. This will be our second year.
But what about the rest of my time? What am I supposed to do? I asked God...I begged Him, actually, to tell me why he created me. I said, "God why did you put me here, what is your purpose for me?" I was crying out from my woundedness, feeling like my purpose in caring for my daughter was stripped from me...so I was desperate for God to respond. I had felt "Exodus" jump out at me for some reason prior to this prayer. It was on something I had near me at that time. After the prayer, I began reading my Jesus Calling devotional, and one of the references was in Exodus. I, now, really felt God was telling me to read in Exodus. So, I opened up to Exodus and just started reading wherever I landed. This is what I read...
Then the Lord said to Moses, 2 “See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 3 and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills — 4 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze,5 to cut and set jewels, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts. Exodus 31:1-5
AHHH!!!! Really??? This is why I keep talking about this amazing God that has found me! Because He speaks to us in such a personal way, and only by His grace, direction, and favor can we live our lives for His glory...which is the best life available to us. Out of every single verse in the entire Bible...this is like winning the Mega Millions. There is not one verse that is more fitting and perfect for God to speak to me on my purpose...what He created me to do. For those of you that have read, "My Jewel" post, you would also understand how it is even more crazy that the word 'jewel' is used in this verse...of course it would be...
I, then. felt peace about moving forward with my idea for making something in wood. Soon after, God gave me the exact vision for what I now call "Angel Signs." These are wooden wall hangings with a child's name, and a quote on another board, connected by ribbon and hung by ribbon. I had a strong desire for Evelyn's name to still hang on my wall, but in a way that memorialized her and was respectful of the loss. It was painful for me to see the bright, polka-dotted letters that once hung above her crib. So, I make the Angel Signs in a soft gray, with either light pink, blue, or cream lettering and ribbon. I am selling these on Etsy as well as on an online memorial boutique. So far, God has blessed me to touch the homes of 18 families. I hope that one day it will be thousands! God will continue to shape and mold me all for His Glory...and they will know that it is the Lord that has done this.
Check them out here! Angel Name Signs
I will make rivers flow on barren heights.....so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it. Isaiah 40:16,20.
The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:17-19
I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the Lord has done.
The Lord has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death. Psalm 118:17-18
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds. Psalm 73:28
My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. Psalm 71:15
I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders. Psalm 9:1
After losing Evie, I struggled to find purpose in my life. I was in this weird place, because I had prepared for so long to be her mother and to take care of her, and when I lost her...I knew I was still her mother, but she was not here on earth for me to care for anymore. I knew I was called to go deeper into God's Word, and I knew that I enjoyed using my creativity. I had started my business with Premier Designs Jewelry, and I had also begun making what I now call "Jewel Boards." These are framed jewelry organizers.
It was really on my heart to start making something in wood. I wasn't sure why, but it had become a strong desire of mine. I also knew that I wanted to make something for parents that had lost children. I was feeling very confused for a time about what God really wanted me to do with my life. There were times when I felt He wanted me to give up everything and go to India to work with women and children...and although I do still feel this is in the future for me, I didn't have peace that "now" was the right time. I know that it will be in my future in some way or another, whether it is full-time mission work, a ministry of my own, or short-term missions. I am leaving that up to how God continues to shape it into my life. For now, I am fundraising once a year at Evie's birthday through the "Jewels from Heaven" benefit to benefit ministries in India. This will be our second year.
But what about the rest of my time? What am I supposed to do? I asked God...I begged Him, actually, to tell me why he created me. I said, "God why did you put me here, what is your purpose for me?" I was crying out from my woundedness, feeling like my purpose in caring for my daughter was stripped from me...so I was desperate for God to respond. I had felt "Exodus" jump out at me for some reason prior to this prayer. It was on something I had near me at that time. After the prayer, I began reading my Jesus Calling devotional, and one of the references was in Exodus. I, now, really felt God was telling me to read in Exodus. So, I opened up to Exodus and just started reading wherever I landed. This is what I read...
Then the Lord said to Moses, 2 “See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 3 and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills — 4 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze,5 to cut and set jewels, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of crafts. Exodus 31:1-5
AHHH!!!! Really??? This is why I keep talking about this amazing God that has found me! Because He speaks to us in such a personal way, and only by His grace, direction, and favor can we live our lives for His glory...which is the best life available to us. Out of every single verse in the entire Bible...this is like winning the Mega Millions. There is not one verse that is more fitting and perfect for God to speak to me on my purpose...what He created me to do. For those of you that have read, "My Jewel" post, you would also understand how it is even more crazy that the word 'jewel' is used in this verse...of course it would be...
I, then. felt peace about moving forward with my idea for making something in wood. Soon after, God gave me the exact vision for what I now call "Angel Signs." These are wooden wall hangings with a child's name, and a quote on another board, connected by ribbon and hung by ribbon. I had a strong desire for Evelyn's name to still hang on my wall, but in a way that memorialized her and was respectful of the loss. It was painful for me to see the bright, polka-dotted letters that once hung above her crib. So, I make the Angel Signs in a soft gray, with either light pink, blue, or cream lettering and ribbon. I am selling these on Etsy as well as on an online memorial boutique. So far, God has blessed me to touch the homes of 18 families. I hope that one day it will be thousands! God will continue to shape and mold me all for His Glory...and they will know that it is the Lord that has done this.
Check them out here! Angel Name Signs
I will make rivers flow on barren heights.....so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it. Isaiah 40:16,20.
The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.
18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
Psalm 145:17-19
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Storing Up Treasure in Heaven
The more I am in tune with eternity and heaven, naturally the more I understand how short life is. There are many scripture passages that speak to this, but why is it so hard for us to let this truth sink deep into our spirits? We rarely think about our death, and that it is imminent...given how short our lives are. He says our life is but a breath...and that we should simply enjoy his presence each moment and rest in the knowledge and joy of our salvation...that we will spend eternity with the Father, and the angels, and our loved ones who are saved...in a real, physical place called heaven. God says we should not boast about tomorrow, and that we are just to live and focus on one day at at time...because it has enough trouble of it's own. We are not to worry about tomorrow.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. Psalm 144:4
You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Psalm 39:5
I am beyond blessed to have the experience of the sweet girl that changed my life and my eternity, my daughter, Evelyn. What a jewel she is. God took the only thing I ever truly loved, and he brought it to himself...pulling my heart and my attention to Him along with her. He has blessed me with eyes that see and ears that hear...spiritual wisdom through the Holy Spirit and the Word. Eternal pleasures at his right hand, he has bestowed upon me.
But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. Matthew 13:16
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11
By his grace, I get it. I know why I'm here...for the most part...and I know in my soul what matters and what doesn't in this world. I know I'm going to heaven...and God has given me such a real experience of what heaven is like through dreams and other's experiences in books...so that I could grasp it...and live in a way to yearn for it, seeking to glorify the Lord with my life, and to want the best there is to have when I get to heaven. We will all give an account of our lives before God...
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’”
So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" 2 Corin 5:10.
God's word says, "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." (Luke 12:33). And in Matthew, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." (Matthew 6:19). After I lost Evelyn, and by God's grace, He gave me the desire to live this way. And I'm not there yet, but He continues to mold and shape me to align my life with this calling. Possessions became meaningless to me after I lost the precious life of my daughter...all the baby stuff...everything was meaningless, everything was there...but she wasn't. I started giving things away, and I knew in my heart that he had taught me a lesson in his Truth that few are ever blessed to learn. He is preparing me for the most glorious plan He has for me...to glorify Him...in living not for myself...and it is the only way. For now, I have been called to create the opportunity for others to build treasure in heaven along with me, through a benefit near my daughter's birthday, "Jewels from Heaven." Last year, God's presence showed up in a big way, and we will continue to pray for him to be glorified this year. Please pray with me over this night, Friday, October 26th, 2012, and I hope some of you will come out to support the cause...TBA. It will be a fun night with good food, live music, silent auction, and raffle in honor of Evelyn and other children in heaven! Thank you to all that supported last year!
God has done so much to grow my faith in Him in the last two years since I lost my daughter...as the Living God....that speaks and works in a real way, and He has not stopped revealing things to me since I fully gave my life to him. God is faithful! I hope to be writing all these stories soon, since I am a little behind with all the moves and changes God has been making in my life. Thank you all for your prayers over my life as I seek God's will and heal from the greatest loss of my life. Bless you!
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34
Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. Psalm 144:4
You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath. Psalm 39:5
I am beyond blessed to have the experience of the sweet girl that changed my life and my eternity, my daughter, Evelyn. What a jewel she is. God took the only thing I ever truly loved, and he brought it to himself...pulling my heart and my attention to Him along with her. He has blessed me with eyes that see and ears that hear...spiritual wisdom through the Holy Spirit and the Word. Eternal pleasures at his right hand, he has bestowed upon me.
But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. Matthew 13:16
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11
By his grace, I get it. I know why I'm here...for the most part...and I know in my soul what matters and what doesn't in this world. I know I'm going to heaven...and God has given me such a real experience of what heaven is like through dreams and other's experiences in books...so that I could grasp it...and live in a way to yearn for it, seeking to glorify the Lord with my life, and to want the best there is to have when I get to heaven. We will all give an account of our lives before God...
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will confess to God.’”
So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad" 2 Corin 5:10.
God's word says, "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys." (Luke 12:33). And in Matthew, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." (Matthew 6:19). After I lost Evelyn, and by God's grace, He gave me the desire to live this way. And I'm not there yet, but He continues to mold and shape me to align my life with this calling. Possessions became meaningless to me after I lost the precious life of my daughter...all the baby stuff...everything was meaningless, everything was there...but she wasn't. I started giving things away, and I knew in my heart that he had taught me a lesson in his Truth that few are ever blessed to learn. He is preparing me for the most glorious plan He has for me...to glorify Him...in living not for myself...and it is the only way. For now, I have been called to create the opportunity for others to build treasure in heaven along with me, through a benefit near my daughter's birthday, "Jewels from Heaven." Last year, God's presence showed up in a big way, and we will continue to pray for him to be glorified this year. Please pray with me over this night, Friday, October 26th, 2012, and I hope some of you will come out to support the cause...TBA. It will be a fun night with good food, live music, silent auction, and raffle in honor of Evelyn and other children in heaven! Thank you to all that supported last year!
God has done so much to grow my faith in Him in the last two years since I lost my daughter...as the Living God....that speaks and works in a real way, and He has not stopped revealing things to me since I fully gave my life to him. God is faithful! I hope to be writing all these stories soon, since I am a little behind with all the moves and changes God has been making in my life. Thank you all for your prayers over my life as I seek God's will and heal from the greatest loss of my life. Bless you!
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Second Year: Your Child Is Still Not Here, Your Pain Is Still So Real
The dreaded second year...however necessary and unavoidable, still dreadful. I don't mean to sound without hope, because I have experienced a great amount of healing in the year and a half since the loss of my daughter, Evelyn, but never did I grasp what I was going to have to endure in the "years" after...for me, now in the second year after my loss. In the first year, hindsight looking back you are actually still in a broad state of shock. You have a lot of coping mechanisms working for you, hormones, adrenaline, numbness, all of the above. I am not a grief expert, and I haven't even really researched into this...I am just speaking on what I felt, and what I can generally attest to knowing the little that I do. You are trying to figure out how to "survive" again. Get up...get out of bed...take a shower(at some point...lol), be around people, eat, drink...just survive. It is a serious task to do all of these. You forget to eat, you forget to run a simple errand...every day is a marathon and a great success if you make it through just one more day. The second year, the shock has worn off considerably...and you are cycling through all those dreaded milestones, holidays, etc...AGAIN. They say all your "firsts" are really hard....and they are...but you have shock on your side. Not in the second year. You are thinking...I gotta go through this again?? New Years, my birthday, Mother's Day, and of course your child's second birthday. And now, you are feeling things a lot more, you feel more in touch with reality. You don't have that out of body feeling anymore...your spirit is back in your body...feeling, experiencing everything. The reality hits. Your child is still not here, and your pain is still so real. And you somehow feel expected to be OK by now...you expect this from yourself a little more, and you certainly feel it from others. Whether you project that on yourself about others...or if others really feel that way, it doesn't matter. You feel a sense that you should be "moved on" or "better" by now. So, you act all normal around close friends, family, co-workers, etc., but inside you are practically dying a second death in the second year. You put a smile on...and behind closed doors you have breakdowns, meltdowns, cry fests...regularly. You try to become a productive member of society again. You force yourself to do things, or at least I do...that you absolutely DO NOT want to do...or feel right or good about doing. I love my family...but those are the most painful times for me. The entire family gathering together, eating dinner all at the same table...talking, looking at each other...all eyes are focused, when all you want is for people to barely notice you, so you don't have to think what they are thinking that you feel, to remind you of how you feel...and it is always there, in the back of your head...pain, grief, loss, agony. Every bite of food you swallow, it feels like you are feasting on a handful of thorns, painfully forcing each bite down, so you appear normal. Sitting, eating, talking, laughing, when all you are doing on the inside is crying. My daughter is supposed to be sitting there with us...and I feel her loss the most during those times. If it was up to me, there would be no family gathering, no laughing, no feasting...only mourning...because that is all that feels real to me right now. Every time you make a decision or think about making a decision that goes against the grain or is out of the norm for you or your family...you feel like you are rocking the boat, when your boat has already been capsized, and "mayday, mayday" has been echoing in your head for 18 months now. Oh, the life of a grieving mother...God is good, but the day to day realities just suck sometimes. I look forward to the day that I can honestly say, I'm OK. I think it's important to be honest about how you are feeling in order to heal, and instead of just being a complainer in writing this, I hope to help another grieving mother know she is not alone in these feelings that are not always so pretty...and that it is healthy to express them. His grace showers over it all...the good and the ugly. Still thankful for another day in His presence and the gift I've been given in my salvation...if nothing else, today.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
We Can Plan, But Only God's Will Stands
If you have lost a baby, the discussion of people's future plans raise a certain amount of unrest, and I have found this to be more common among us who have experienced full-term losses...when it is least expected to lose a baby. It is especially bothersome when it comes to the plans of pregnant moms and dads. They say, "we are going to do this when the baby is here, when the baby is born, when we get home with the baby, when the baby is six months old...etc." The most ambiguous of all is the "birth plan." I absolutely do not fault these parents...as this is what we all did, myself included; however, it doesn't make it any less strange, especially when you hear it from those that know about your recent loss or who were very close to you during your loss. It almost feels disrespectful when they speak with such certainty about their plans around you, and you almost want to say, "were you not there when I was doing and talking about all these things...did you already forget what happened to me? And did you forget that YOU aren't the one that will decide this or that, or if any of us will even be alive tomorrow?" It's not that we want to rob these people of the joy of daydreaming about their baby and their future wishes for the baby...it's just something about that absolute certainty with which they speak of these plans around you, that make it seem almost offensive.
Like I stated earlier, it really is no fault to these parents, and I am not faulting them at all. I'm just being honest in expressing this after-loss commonality that I share with most moms who have had a similar loss as mine...the kind of loss when the very time you are supposed to hear the first cry from your child...there is no sound at all. You ask, "well, should they not speak about these things at all? Or make any plans? And are you not happy for them?" And my answer is no, no, no to all of those! It would be really nice however to hear someone say, "you know, if it's God's will and everyone is "healthy," we would love to _____ or _____with baby Sally." Or to go further..."We know, especially after witnessing what _____ went through that we are not guaranteed this baby's life. We have so much respect for what he/she lost and pray everyday that we have the chance to care for this little life on the outside." I know, that I will CERTAINLY speak on this level if I am blessed to carry a baby again. We should really have this mindset about all things in life...any future plans...because everything is in God's hands and up to His will...not ours. I am focusing on the pregnancy topic because this is the category that hits closest to home for me right now as I lost my daughter, Evelyn, a year and a half ago, two days before her due date due to a cord accident.
I guess no matter how much empathy you think you have for someone and their loss, you can NEVER quite fully grasp what has happened to them or put yourself in their shoes, or know what to say...and especially not be able to fathom that it could EVER happen to you. And to these people's defense...they may speak this way because it terrifies them to ever let their mind go there for themselves...to that place where they saw you experience the greatest loss of your life, and to think it could happen to them just as easily. And because they have never been through it, it is unknown territory, and in their mind, they can't imagine going through it and making it out alive...so they don't think about it. It is just not an option for them and their baby. And so, they continue to make their plans with the assumed outcome of a healthy and living baby...but not for me, never again.
I came across this scripture not too long ago and find it very relevant to this topic about our future plans:
James 4:13-16
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.
I take this scripture very seriously...and how could I not? My daughter's life, and the experience of losing her days before her due date has taught me not to take one day for granted or to boast about any future plans that I have. Even I still do this out of habit, but I certainly have a greater respect than ever before for God's power to give and to take away, and ultimately for knowing that it's His will that will prevail and not mine, nor my plans. I don't know if there is any greater "planning" or "preparation" than that that goes along with expecting a baby. And I don't think you can ever quite respect what I am talking about here unless you were like me, sitting in a room FULL of baby stuff...from two showers and nine months of preparing...stuff coming out of your ears...processing that the little one inside of you...who you have been waiting nine months to see and hold...has taken a detour to heaven instead...and that you won't have the opportunity to take care of this baby after all, nor will you hear her first cry or see her smile. And if you hadn't been so certain the baby would eventually be living and breathing in your arms, you might not have prepared quite to the extent that you did for something so uncertain, something that is completely out of your control, that rests in God's hands alone. He will have His will regardless of your plans...only God's will stands. Instead, you would just live each and every day, not boasting about tomorrow, but praying and trusting in His provision, believing in His goodness and sovereignty, never fooling yourself that you are in control, hoping for, but never expecting tomorrow. Simply resting in the knowledge of your salvation.
Like I stated earlier, it really is no fault to these parents, and I am not faulting them at all. I'm just being honest in expressing this after-loss commonality that I share with most moms who have had a similar loss as mine...the kind of loss when the very time you are supposed to hear the first cry from your child...there is no sound at all. You ask, "well, should they not speak about these things at all? Or make any plans? And are you not happy for them?" And my answer is no, no, no to all of those! It would be really nice however to hear someone say, "you know, if it's God's will and everyone is "healthy," we would love to _____ or _____with baby Sally." Or to go further..."We know, especially after witnessing what _____ went through that we are not guaranteed this baby's life. We have so much respect for what he/she lost and pray everyday that we have the chance to care for this little life on the outside." I know, that I will CERTAINLY speak on this level if I am blessed to carry a baby again. We should really have this mindset about all things in life...any future plans...because everything is in God's hands and up to His will...not ours. I am focusing on the pregnancy topic because this is the category that hits closest to home for me right now as I lost my daughter, Evelyn, a year and a half ago, two days before her due date due to a cord accident.
I guess no matter how much empathy you think you have for someone and their loss, you can NEVER quite fully grasp what has happened to them or put yourself in their shoes, or know what to say...and especially not be able to fathom that it could EVER happen to you. And to these people's defense...they may speak this way because it terrifies them to ever let their mind go there for themselves...to that place where they saw you experience the greatest loss of your life, and to think it could happen to them just as easily. And because they have never been through it, it is unknown territory, and in their mind, they can't imagine going through it and making it out alive...so they don't think about it. It is just not an option for them and their baby. And so, they continue to make their plans with the assumed outcome of a healthy and living baby...but not for me, never again.
I came across this scripture not too long ago and find it very relevant to this topic about our future plans:
James 4:13-16
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.
I take this scripture very seriously...and how could I not? My daughter's life, and the experience of losing her days before her due date has taught me not to take one day for granted or to boast about any future plans that I have. Even I still do this out of habit, but I certainly have a greater respect than ever before for God's power to give and to take away, and ultimately for knowing that it's His will that will prevail and not mine, nor my plans. I don't know if there is any greater "planning" or "preparation" than that that goes along with expecting a baby. And I don't think you can ever quite respect what I am talking about here unless you were like me, sitting in a room FULL of baby stuff...from two showers and nine months of preparing...stuff coming out of your ears...processing that the little one inside of you...who you have been waiting nine months to see and hold...has taken a detour to heaven instead...and that you won't have the opportunity to take care of this baby after all, nor will you hear her first cry or see her smile. And if you hadn't been so certain the baby would eventually be living and breathing in your arms, you might not have prepared quite to the extent that you did for something so uncertain, something that is completely out of your control, that rests in God's hands alone. He will have His will regardless of your plans...only God's will stands. Instead, you would just live each and every day, not boasting about tomorrow, but praying and trusting in His provision, believing in His goodness and sovereignty, never fooling yourself that you are in control, hoping for, but never expecting tomorrow. Simply resting in the knowledge of your salvation.
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