White Butterflies

White Butterfly meaning: the soul of a child, transformation, purity, truth, growth, change, symbol of the soul, sign of angels watching over you, good luck, sign of a good life.


After I lost Evelyn, God tuned me in to his creation and his touch more than ever. A few months after my loss, I went for a walk and a big, beautiful white butterfly flew in front of me and landed on the green grass. It was one of those happenings that were covered in God's glory. The more I have experienced these moments, the more I have come to know the Holy Spirit, prompts from God, etc. God has revealed to me how much he is in control of his creation. My eyes shoot down at a word in the Bible and the word or passage feels like it is jumping out at me, I spot a white butterfly in the distance as I'm driving. All these things are not "me looking for something"...it is God. He directs my eyes, he puts his creation into motion at the exact moment...and then they meet.


I knew that the white butterfly on my walk was from God, and so I went home to look up the meaning of a white butterfly. And I read....some believe it is the soul of a child, etc., etc. I sat in awe of how God was speaking to me about my hurt and about my daughter's presence in heaven and the gift of divine encounters with him. I do not believe, however, that the white butterfly is Evie's soul. What I do believe is that God is in total control of all his creation, giving angels some control, and possibly giving people in heaven a little control. To me, this white butterfly was a little gift from God, Evie, and the angels that are with me...when the pain is just too much to handle, they are saying "I am with you, we are with you...see?"


After this first white butterfly incident, many more followed...too many to count. A few I remember distinctly. On Mother's Day 2011, the first Mother's Day after I lost Evie, my mom on and I were on the back porch talking before the Rock Goodbye Angel Balloon Release, and this white butterfly fluttered around us for about 30 minutes. It went away for a few minutes, and I went inside to get my camera. I knew it would be back. And sure enough, I came back outside and a few minutes later and it showed up....fluttering around us, and then landing on my big toe. I'll never forget the feeling of those tiny, delicate feet walking all around my toe. It stayed for a good minute and I got a picture of it. My mom and I were both speechless. We knew this butterfly was special the whole time it was with us...and then for it to land on my toe...it was confirmation.


I was having a pretty hard time the week or so leading up to my birthday, and I prayed for God to show me something to help me through...to know he was there. I was outside letting Max go the bathroom and this white butterfly flew right in front of my face...within inches. I immediately felt the overwhelming presence of God, and was so thankful for this little sign that he was with me.


A week or so later at the Rock Goodbye Angel Angel Babies 5K, held yesterday on May 6th....I was getting close to the finish line at the end of mile 1 and a white butterfly flew across the path in front of me. I wasn't sure if I'd run at all, but upon starting, I was determined I would. I made it about a mile and half without stopping to walk, praying the whole time for God to give me strength. I really had not trained and had not even jogged more than a few yards at a time since before I was pregnant with Evelyn. To see this white butterfly during this special run, was an amazing gift from God. God's overwhelming presence was with me the whole time, and I heard him whispering to me...I am your strength, I am proud of you, you are a survivor, my glory is on you. I was holding back tears the entire time...feeling God's heavy grace on me, knowing how far I had come since my loss a year and a half ago, remembering my little angel who is so dear to my heart.


We had signs made with our child's name on them that were placed throughout the course, and we took them home at the end of the day. I wasn't sure what I would do with mine, but my mom suggested putting it in the garden off the back patio near Evie's rock. I went out there this morning to put it in the ground and a white butterfly showed up...fluttering all around me. It landed on the ledge of the rock wall, I bent down and slowly put my finger right up to it, thinking it would definitely fly away. It stuck out it's very long tongue and felt around on my finger...then it slowly crawled onto it. I slowly stood up and just held the butterfly inches from my face marveling at it's beauty. What an amazing creature. To see this delicate creation so close up...I was in heaven for a moment. It walked all around from finger to finger, using it's tongue the whole time to feel around first.


I can only think that it was God that allowed this butterfly to have such trust for me...that it would crawl right onto my finger instead of flying away. Allowing me to bring it so close to my face, staying for a couple minutes...enough to bless me tremendously with our encounter. I believe there are opportunities daily, for everyone, who have prayed for new eyes to see and new ears to hear....to witness God in action, to feel and know his presence. If you ask, you will receive. What He has in store for us....it's unimaginable! Please, be reconciled to God through Christ.


"No eye has seen,
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
-1 Corinthians 2:8


"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Matthew 7:7


For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
2 Corinthians 4:6

2 Corinthians 5:11-21: The Ministry of Reconciliation

Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. ¹² We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. ¹³ If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

¹⁶ So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:^[a] The old has gone, the new is here! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: ¹⁹ that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. ²⁰ We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors,as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. ²¹ God made him who had no sin to be sin^[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

The Second Year: Your Child Is Still Not Here, Your Pain Is Still So Real

The dreaded second year...however necessary and unavoidable, still dreadful. I don't mean to sound without hope, because I have experienced a great amount of healing in the year and a half since the loss of my daughter, Evelyn, but never did I grasp what I was going to have to endure in the "years" after...for me, now in the second year after my loss. In the first year, hindsight looking back you are actually still in a broad state of shock. You have a lot of coping mechanisms working for you, hormones, adrenaline, numbness, all of the above. I am not a grief expert, and I haven't even really researched into this...I am just speaking on what I felt, and what I can generally attest to knowing the little that I do. You are trying to figure out how to "survive" again. Get up...get out of bed...take a shower(at some point...lol), be around people, eat, drink...just survive. It is a serious task to do all of these. You forget to eat, you forget to run a simple errand...every day is a marathon and a great success if you make it through just one more day. The second year, the shock has worn off considerably...and you are cycling through all those dreaded milestones, holidays, etc...AGAIN. They say all your "firsts" are really hard....and they are...but you have shock on your side. Not in the second year. You are thinking...I gotta go through this again?? New Years, my birthday, Mother's Day, and of course your child's second birthday. And now, you are feeling things a lot more, you feel more in touch with reality. You don't have that out of body feeling anymore...your spirit is back in your body...feeling, experiencing everything. The reality hits. Your child is still not here, and your pain is still so real. And you somehow feel expected to be OK by now...you expect this from yourself a little more, and you certainly feel it from others. Whether you project that on yourself about others...or if others really feel that way, it doesn't matter. You feel a sense that you should be "moved on" or "better" by now. So, you act all normal around close friends, family, co-workers, etc., but inside you are practically dying a second death in the second year. You put a smile on...and behind closed doors you have breakdowns, meltdowns, cry fests...regularly. You try to become a productive member of society again. You force yourself to do things, or at least I do...that you absolutely DO NOT want to do...or feel right or good about doing. I love my family...but those are the most painful times for me. The entire family gathering together, eating dinner all at the same table...talking, looking at each other...all eyes are focused, when all you want is for people to barely notice you, so you don't have to think what they are thinking that you feel, to remind you of how you feel...and it is always there, in the back of your head...pain, grief, loss, agony. Every bite of food you swallow, it feels like you are feasting on a handful of thorns, painfully forcing each bite down, so you appear normal. Sitting, eating, talking, laughing, when all you are doing on the inside is crying. My daughter is supposed to be sitting there with us...and I feel her loss the most during those times. If it was up to me, there would be no family gathering, no laughing, no feasting...only mourning...because that is all that feels real to me right now. Every time you make a decision or think about making a decision that goes against the grain or is out of the norm for you or your family...you feel like you are rocking the boat, when your boat has already been capsized, and "mayday, mayday" has been echoing in your head for 18 months now. Oh, the life of a grieving mother...God is good, but the day to day realities just suck sometimes. I look forward to the day that I can honestly say, I'm OK. I think it's important to be honest about how you are feeling in order to heal, and instead of just being a complainer in writing this, I hope to help another grieving mother know she is not alone in these feelings that are not always so pretty...and that it is healthy to express them. His grace showers over it all...the good and the ugly. Still thankful for another day in His presence and the gift I've been given in my salvation...if nothing else, today.

We Can Plan, But Only God's Will Stands

If you have lost a baby, the discussion of people's future plans raise a certain amount of unrest, and I have found this to be more common among us who have experienced full-term losses...when it is least expected to lose a baby. It is especially bothersome when it comes to the plans of pregnant moms and dads. They say, "we are going to do this when the baby is here, when the baby is born, when we get home with the baby, when the baby is six months old...etc." The most ambiguous of all is the "birth plan." I absolutely do not fault these parents...as this is what we all did, myself included; however, it doesn't make it any less strange, especially when you hear it from those that know about your recent loss or who were very close to you during your loss. It almost feels disrespectful when they speak with such certainty about their plans around you, and you almost want to say, "were you not there when I was doing and talking about all these things...did you already forget what happened to me? And did you forget that YOU aren't the one that will decide this or that, or if any of us will even be alive tomorrow?" It's not that we want to rob these people of the joy of daydreaming about their baby and their future wishes for the baby...it's just something about that absolute certainty with which they speak of these plans around you, that make it seem almost offensive.


Like I stated earlier, it really is no fault to these parents, and I am not faulting them at all. I'm just being honest in expressing this after-loss commonality that I share with most moms who have had a similar loss as mine...the kind of loss when the very time you are supposed to hear the first cry from your child...there is no sound at all. You ask, "well, should they not speak about these things at all? Or make any plans? And are you not happy for them?" And my answer is no, no, no to all of those! It would be really nice however to hear someone say, "you know, if it's God's will and everyone is "healthy," we would love to _____ or _____with baby Sally." Or to go further..."We know, especially after witnessing what _____ went through that we are not guaranteed this baby's life. We have so much respect for what he/she lost and pray everyday that we have the chance to care for this little life on the outside." I know, that I will CERTAINLY speak on this level if I am blessed to carry a baby again. We should really have this mindset about all things in life...any future plans...because everything is in God's hands and up to His will...not ours. I am focusing on the pregnancy topic because this is the category that hits closest to home for me right now as I lost my daughter, Evelyn, a year and a half ago, two days before her due date due to a cord accident.


I guess no matter how much empathy you think you have for someone and their loss, you can NEVER quite fully grasp what has happened to them or put yourself in their shoes, or know what to say...and especially not be able to fathom that it could EVER happen to you. And to these people's defense...they may speak this way because it terrifies them to ever let their mind go there for themselves...to that place where they saw you experience the greatest loss of your life, and to think it could happen to them just as easily. And because they have never been through it, it is unknown territory, and in their mind, they can't imagine going through it and making it out alive...so they don't think about it. It is just not an option for them and their baby. And so, they continue to make their plans with the assumed outcome of a healthy and living baby...but not for me, never again.


I came across this scripture not too long ago and find it very relevant to this topic about our future plans:


James 4:13-16
Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.


I take this scripture very seriously...and how could I not? My daughter's life, and the experience of losing her days before her due date has taught me not to take one day for granted or to boast about any future plans that I have. Even I still do this out of habit, but I certainly have a greater respect than ever before for God's power to give and to take away, and ultimately for knowing that it's His will that will prevail and not mine, nor my plans. I don't know if there is any greater "planning" or "preparation" than that that goes along with expecting a baby. And I don't think you can ever quite respect what I am talking about here unless you were like me, sitting in a room FULL of baby stuff...from two showers and nine months of preparing...stuff coming out of your ears...processing that the little one inside of you...who you have been waiting nine months to see and hold...has taken a detour to heaven instead...and that you won't have the opportunity to take care of this baby after all, nor will you hear her first cry or see her smile. And if you hadn't been so certain the baby would eventually be living and breathing in your arms, you might not have prepared quite to the extent that you did for something so uncertain, something that is completely out of your control, that rests in God's hands alone. He will have His will regardless of your plans...only God's will stands. Instead, you would just live each and every day, not boasting about tomorrow, but praying and trusting in His provision, believing in His goodness and sovereignty, never fooling yourself that you are in control, hoping for, but never expecting tomorrow. Simply resting in the knowledge of your salvation.

O' Wounded One, I Was There to Brace Your Fall

God has an amazing way of keeping my attention, imparting wisdom, and keeping me intrigued with His word, even when I am not spending quite the time I should engrossed in it. He uses his divine touch in the seen world to keep me enamored with the unseen. Since my daughter Evelyn passed, and my walk with the Lord has deepened, the truth about how God's sovereignty/his will over what happens to us works along with the decisions we make/our "free will" has left me intrigued and somewhat confused. Some things I believe are just left to faith, and because his thoughts are not our thoughts, and his ways are not our ways, we are not always supposed to understand everything fully. How could we? We are just humans, and God is God.

I have found myself a little annoyed at women in my situation that curse God, and go on and on about how they didn't deserve for their baby to die, and there are so many bad mothers that abuse their kids, leave them in hot cars, etc. and why did "this" happen to me and not them. To me, this is their lack of understanding, or lack of wisdom to accept that God has his ways, and sometimes we won't ever understand why he allows bad things to happen to us.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord, as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Ok, so if God is sovereign and he knows everything that will happen to us and all the choices we are going to make, then how is it that we have free will? Because if God already knows I am going to sin, and it has already been forseen/determined that I will make that choice, then how is that free will?

God has revealed some insight to me on this subject, first using a dream. I woke up one morning from a dream in which my soul was moving along with two iron rods, one to the right and one to the left...functioning similar to reins. These rods were connected to an iron gate that was out in front of me. I was moving along in between the iron rods, and the gates would open or shut, but only by God. I was free to move back and forth between the iron rods, and I interpreted this as walking in God's will, while still exercising my free will. I was free to live between the constraints of the iron reins, but I could not venture beyond them. The opening and shutting of the iron gate ahead of me was not in my control. They would open and shut as I was moving along, but only by God's command. I believe God showed me through this dream that only he is in control of opening and closing doors in our life, and until He does so, we are to just trust him and obey him, living in the protection of his will...between the iron rods.

A few days ago, I walked out the back door to the porch to drill a couple holes in one of my Jewel Boards. I'm squatting down in front of the glass door, holding the frame on the ground, and a bird flies into the door, falls, bounces off the back of my neck, falls over my shoulder, and lands right between my feet. I look down in shock and then jump up. The bird just lays there a second and then hops up to its feet. I proceed to ask the bird if he's O.K. (I know!) and I'm thinking about where some gloves are so I can pick him up if he's injured too badly, but then he hops a little, pauses, and flies away. If I had only walked out a second later or was squatting just inches away from where I was?!...I mean, was I supposed to be there to brace his fall? This whole scene was so bizarre that I knew it was from God, so I went inside and started praying and asked God what he wanted me to know about it. I felt that God told me I was him and the bird was me in this situation. If I represented God...I did not cause the bird to crash into the door, but I was there immediately to brace his fall, in the exact place I needed to be to help him, so that his landing did not take him out completely.

Isaiah 48:9-11
“For My name’s sake I will defer My anger,
And for My praise I will restrain it from you,
So that I do not cut you off.
¹⁰ Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
¹¹ For My own sake, for My own sake, I will do it;
For how should My name be profaned?
And I will not give My glory to another.

Maybe God doesn't cause us to get in a head-on collision in our life, but because bad things do happen in this fallen world, and he knows the things that will happen to us, He is there and not a second too late and in the exact place to brace our fall. This is true whether it is out of our control or due to our own sin. God uses these events in our life to refine us. And, even in our sin...because He "has bound everyone over to disobedience so that he may have mercy on them all." (Romans 11:32). So after these tragedies or refining events in our life, he just reassures us and watches us as we get to our feet, until we eventually fly again...watching and waiting to pick us up into his arms if we need Him. Ok, so you may think this is a little deep for a bird falling on me, lol, but God also reminded me of the scripture below in realizing how He went to extreme measures to protect this bird by making sure I was there in that spot at that moment...and How much more He is their for us, but we just can't see the extreme measures He takes to protect and provide for us, in our joy and in our pain...

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? Mathew 6:25-27

Divine Sisterhood

As many of you know, Evelyn has two blood related sisters here on earth. I loved these little girls as my own, so when their father and I broke off the engagement, I experienced a great loss. I was cut out of their life in an instant, when he had previously made me vow to never leave them because of the great impact he saw that I had on their lives. I was never really sure if Moriah or Isabella had been told about their sister, whom was growing in my womb, and I worried constantly how this new life would be embraced...or not embraced.

What I didn't know at that time was that God had a plan to restore a family to Evelyn and I, but not the one I had sought to reconcile with for the many months during my pregnancy.

After Evelyn passed away at almost 40 weeks gestation due to a cord accident, I attended various support groups. I have made some great friends, and I have developed a family of bereaved moms and dads that share an experience that only we can understand. I want to tell you specifically about two families and 3 little girls that are Evelyn's new sisters in heaven.

I met Holly at the Gwinnett hospital support group, Open Arms. She just wept the first time she came and shared much of herself with us in such a vulnerable and genuine way. She has three boys but longed for her little girl, Nevaeh. Her boys were so excited about their sister and grieved with her. The second time I saw her at group, she shared with us that she had accepted Christ as her savior, and I wanted to leap for joy at that moment. I was in such awe and amazement to see how God used this precious girl to bring her mom the gift of eternal life. I was so inspired and filled with the Holy Spirit a few days later thinking about this miracle of Him, that I wrote a poem for Holly, in honor of Nevaeh, titled, "Nevaeh "Grace"."

Nevaeh “Grace”

She has three boys at home, I know

To kiss and hold them close

They play trains and tractors

And wear all the same clothes

But on that day she had a sparkle

In her eye to know

She could put away the camo and the collars

And buy little pink bows

The boys were going to dote so well

on this little baby girl

They named her Nevaeh Luag Ntxhi

No, they didn't even know

That God had a plan to take her home

Nothing less than a mighty blow

To heaveN He prepared a place for her

And with it, a new name like so…

He spoke to me so softly, "Nevaeh Grace, to you"

Because it was grace that saved her mommy, Holly

When she said, "Yes Jesus, I want to know you too

Because I can see you on that cross right now

So we could know our Father through you

I know my baby girl is there,

And I want to be with you one day too"

Spell her name right to left, and you'll know

His purpose was spoken before anyone ever knew

"Smiling happily" says her mom

Is the meaning of Luag Ntxhi

But, oh, sweet little Grace

When Heaven took you in that day

So happily you were smiling

When He told you that your purpose was

To save your mommy by His blood, and your little brothers, too

And now the time you have

With your loved ones who are so dear to you

Is more than you would ever have on earth

Don’t you know it’s so, so true

He chose you as His child, sweet one

Nevaeh, in heaveN they’ll surely be with you

Holly is a great friend and is now a part of the Jewels from Heaven benefit on Oct. 28th, 2011 to honor her baby girl to help prevent the human trafficking of children. Nevaeh is surely playing with Evelyn up in Heaven, and when I am with Holly, I feel the great love she has for her daughter. We are all adopted into God's family, and so God gave Evelyn a sweet sister named Nevaeh. Nevaeh was born on March 27th, 2011.

Evelyn's other sisters...
On December 8th, 2010, not even two months after I lost Evelyn, I received this message from Chelsea Wallis on Evie's memorial site:

"I woke up this morning only to have your and Evelyn's miraculous story cross my path. I too go to 12stone. I too have a sweet baby girl born to heaven on Oct 29th 2010. Oh mama how I wish I could hug you! Email me if you like xxxxx@yahoo.com. May God bless you and your family today as Evelyn looks down upon you. = )"  

As Chelsea shared her story of losing Lainey Grace on 10.29.10, I learned that she had actually experienced a second loss at 32 weeks gestation just a couple weeks prior on August 11th, 2011 with her second daughter, whom she named Evelyn. I was shocked to hear of her second loss and equally shocked to hear that name. That beautiful name. She also mentioned that they had nicknamed her Evie, but pronounced E-V, as opposed to eh-V. I then shared my story and told her and her husband how shocked I was that God had given us TWO unbelievable connections with the date of our losses on 10.29.10 and with the name Evelyn.

Chelsea and Erik are also now a part of the Jewels from Heaven benefit, and are representing their sweet girls to help prevent human trafficking. Chelsea and I were instant friends, and are still in shock at the connections God has given us. Lainey Grace and Evelyn Juliet are now sisters to my Evelyn Marie in heaven, and I believe that full well.

God spoke to me one morning a couple months ago, and I heard something like "come together all you who mourn." I now fully realize the importance of these ladies in my life, along with the other ladies and couples I have developed friendships with that have experienced similar losses. We can look into each other's eyes with an understanding that only we can have towards each other, and it is very comforting. This is the closest thing to God's comfort that is available in the seen world. I believe that is why he spoke that to me, because he understands the importance of having that comfort to allow for healing after a loss. 

"Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; 4 who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  5 For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

At the time He spoke to me, I did not really understand or accept my new identity, but have come to the full acceptance of the "new normal" of who I am with the memory of Evelyn held in my heart for the rest of my life. I have also embraced and fully seek to cultivate the relationships in this new family that God has given me and Evelyn.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" -Matthew 5:4

 

My Jewel

God has put it on my heart for a while now to blog, and He has been relentless in His pursuit to get me to share the things He has spoken to me. I have been journaling since my daughter, Evelyn, passed, and it has been very helpful to me. I have written to her directly, and I also document the miracles and the works the Lord is doing in my life, but I felt that He wanted me to step out and share these things with others...to encourage you to seek Him, and experience His glory and His grace for yourselves, through a real, personal relationship with Him. You can view my daughter's memorial page and my testimony on the Baby Evie Website.

"They tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might, so that all people may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom." -Psalm 145:11-12

I will try to explain how the Lord has spoken to me, so that you can be attentive to receiving a personal message from Him yourself. Because unless you have a personal relationship with God, it is really hard to get how He speaks and how He works, and even harder to understand what you are missing if He is not in your life. To hear from God and to see Him working in your life takes accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior, truly seeking Him by praying, being still and listening, being transformed by the word, and eventually learning to recognize the Holy Spirit's guidance through the new eyes and ears He will give you.

"Blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear." Matthew 13:16

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”  Jeremiah 17:7-8

You will also become keenly aware that it is Him working in your life, especially through the "coincidences" that are not actually coincidences at all! Even when He is working in your life, it is hard to explain His mysterious ways, but I will try my best! His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts.

   “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
   declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts."
   (Isaiah 55:8-9)

To try and understand God's ways is like trying to understand infinity. But when He is in your life and you have accepted His grace and have given over your own agenda, you will be filled with joy and peace in His presence. He is a BIG God, so mighty and full a love that is so great for His children. You will be overcome and in awe of this loving God who is full of grace. We are to thank him and praise Him for the miracles and the blessings He pours out, and more importantly, praise Him for who He is, singing, "Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty." That is what all of heaven is singing, along with my sweet daughter, so I figure these are the best words available to me as an earthly creature :). Although we live on this earth, we do not have to be of this world.

(In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory.”

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

-Isaiah 6:1-4)

("Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." -1 John 2:15-17)

I was a lukewarm Christian for a long time, and I did not think it was necessary to give over my will and live according to His commands and His will, and I did not seek a relationship with Him...but the blessing of living in His grace far outweighs anything I could have planned or dreamed up for myself living under my own will. There is freedom like none other in fully surrendering your will over to God, and I so desperately want this freedom for other people. Every soul is of such great worth to Him, and His desire is that every one love Him, worship Him, and know Him on an intimate level.

...who desires all people to be saved and come to the full knowledge of the truth. 1 Timothy 1:4

There is Freedom...
Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:31-32

He loves us so much, He sacrificed His only son...
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

We are worth so much to Him...
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31)


We are nothing without Him

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

We are new in Him...
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure"...Jeremiah 17:9
 BUT He says,
''I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees . . . '' Ezekiel 36,:26-27.

I pray that you will become a man or woman open to receiving His living word, His message for your life, and that you would be able to discern the gifts of God...the hidden manna.

"To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it." Revelation 2:17

However, "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot not understand them, because they are spiritually discerned." 1 Corinthians 2:14

The Lord has given me spiritual discernment to hear from Him in a real way, and I am going to share these experiences in stories. My first story is about mine and Evelyn's worth to the Lord, and the new names He has given us. He can give you a new name too. His love is so great, and He desires to give you the eternal blessings in heaven that I know Evelyn is already receiving! The clock is ticking on earth, but where will you be when time is obsolete? "Man is like a breath, his days are like a fleeting shadow." (Psalm 144:4) 

"I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and with fire." -Matthew 3:11

"Then Peter said unto them, "Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost."" -Acts 2:38


Jesus answered, “Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. -John 3:5
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." John 14:-3

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16

 
I received eternal life through Jesus' sacrifice, and was awakened to a God-centered life through the blessing of my daughter, Evelyn.

God told me that Evelyn is my jewel in this life. How? No, He did not come down from a cloud and say in His mighty tone, "Christy, Evelyn is your jewel!" But nonetheless, He has told me that in a more complicated, woven manner using His Word, my thoughts, other people, and His perfect timing.

Shortly after I lost my daughter, I just opened the Bible and I began reading in Job. I came across some powerful and relevant scripture, especially in his plea to have been "like a stillborn child."

"Or why was I not hidden in the ground like a stillborn child, like an infant who never saw the light of day?" (Job 3:16)

This made me realize how blessed my child was to go straight to heaven before she ever took a breath in this world.

I could also relate to Job's grief, given we had both lost our child/children...and experienced the same suffering that follows. But please know that after reading ALL of what God allowed Satan to do to Job, I was actually thankful that the Lord did not find me to be that strong of a person, to be used as an example of faith like he chose to use Job. It was like, wheww, thank you Lord that I am not Job! I talked to my friends about reading Job, and my friend Sarah said, "Christy, you know what God gave Job in the second half of his life, right??" I didn't know, because I had not gotten that far yet, and not having much knowledge of the Word up to this point in my life, I was unaware, so she began telling me how God gave him twice as much in the latter part of his life, giving him the same exact number of children he had lost(so we thought), three daughters and seven sons.

So, excitedly, I kinda skipped past all the back and forth speeches between Job and his friends, and read at the end of the book that Job was given so many sheep, camel, oxen, and donkeys, and that he had three daughters, and seven sons, his first daughter was named Jemimah, etc, etc, etc...and that was all I could really focus on, because after losing my daughter I was desperate for answers and something to "fix" it. I wasn't sure how God could make it right...and in my naivety, I thought that he would give me another daughter, like He gave Job, to somehow make up for the one He had taken. And not fully grasping at that time the worth and true, permanent relevancy of my daughter, Evelyn, as my first daughter, the thought came to me that if God gives me another daughter, I will name her Jewel after Job's first daughter, Jemimah (Jem/Gem=Jewel), and I wrote this in my journal.  

The next day I was cleaning and I stopped to open this small, pink leather Bible that was sitting on my nightstand, given to me as a gift at the 12Stone Single Mom's Christmas party, and I just started reading. In a matter of moments I read the following scriptures: Song of Songs 3:9-"You have stolen my heart with one jewel of your necklace, then Song of Songs 5:12-"His eyes are like doves mounted like jewels," Song of Songs 7:1-"Your graceful legs are like jewels." Then I flipped open to another place in the Bible and read Isaiah 13:19-"Babylon, the jewel of Kingdoms..." At the time I thought, WOW, God is giving me such amazing confirmation about having another daughter someday!...Jewel. I was filled with hope.

Some time later I read about Jemimah, Job's first daughter, in the Book, All the Women of the Bible, by Herbert Lockyer, that I found in our garage. I read that Jemimah means "little dove" after some occurrence of early infancy...and was overwhelmed by the connection to Evelyn, since her name means "little bird" in French. I also read that it is not very clear at the end of Job if God actually gave him another three daughters and seven sons...or if it was referring to the original children Job had. Because once you have children, they are yours for eternity, and they have relevancy in this life as well. I was starting to see the connection between Jemimah and Evelyn. I realized that God was telling me that Evelyn was my jewel...my first daughter. As I looked at her picture and saw His majesty in her face, and all that she had taught me and brought me in this life...I was filled with my love for her, and for God, that He loved me so much to bless me with such a special child...the purest gift, an angel, free from sin and free from pain or hurt. She is my first daughter, and Evelyn is the "Jewel" that he promised me...that He had already given me. This was the new name that He gave her.

The Lord also gave me a new name:
I am His Diamond. I went to a local church to have a *prophetic session done in January and the lady that prayed over me used the analogy of a diamond to describe me and what God was doing in my life. The lady was describing the process that a diamond goes through to become a diamond...how a diamond starts out as a black hole and after so much pressure it turns into a beautiful, shiny diamond. She said that God knew how hard things had been for me, but that it was necessary for me to be put under all that pressure, so that I could come out shining. She also said that she heard Him singing the song, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine" over me. And from the gentleman there with her, that I am a love and a hope agent, and that teaching and healing are my gifts. Teaching to my peers, and healing, not by my words, but by His healing presence through me. She told me that there is so much of who God is, in me. She said to keep smiling at strangers, because someone may be touched by God's love that hadn't felt it in a long time...or ever before. They gave an example of people being healed by Peter's shadow, over-shadowing them. (Acts 5:12-16).

I tell you this to give you a picture of what it is like to to receive your true, glory-filled identity when you are in God's will. He created each of us so uniquely and with purposes equally beautiful. Your new identity and new name in Christ is waiting on the other side of fully surrendering your will over to Him.

Upon my realization of what the Lord was telling me, and after many conversations about the little miracles I was receiving, I said to my mom, "see, I am His diamond and she is my jewel." After this, in a listening prayer session with my friend, she asked me if I wanted to ask God what my new name was from Him, and I told her, I think I already know, and I think I know Evelyn's new name, too. Before I could tell her, she said, it would only make sense that your names are very similar. I had to laugh knowing it was God that gave her that insight in that moment to help me confirm I had heard from him correctly about our new names. His "coincidences" are like little miracles, little shots of joy!

"To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it." Revelation 2:17

Before learning of this scripture, I was on a mission to make memorial rocks, so I created my own mold using layers and layers of silicone, and then poured concrete in it when it was ready. It was quite the process, making the model just the right shape out of clay, and then painting each layer of silicone on it, letting each layer dry before adding another. Mixing the concrete...getting it wrong multiple times. And finally, making my first stone, writing Evie on it and drawing the side view of a butterfly. After a few attempts to make additional stones, the first one was the only one that remained, and I felt done with the project. I believe God led me to do this to understand the process of "overcoming...the patience, the layers, the mistakes, and the perfect gift at the end, and then to also help me realize once again the relevancy of His perfect gift to me...the gift of Evelyn, existing singularly and perfectly by His will, and not to be replicated. And more clearly, to symbolize the white stone he had given me with a new name written on it, all due to and linked to the existence of my daughter. It only made sense that her name would be written on my stone.

What exactly does it mean that Evelyn is my jewel? I interpret this partly through something else the gentlemen said in my prophetic session...that "many things will be birthed from this." He was explaining a vision he had of what he thought was me crawling into the Father's arms like an infant being held by her father(not knowing about my situation)...and that that was my hallmark in life (my jewel)...being so close to God, being able to come to Him in a real way, as if I could just crawl right into his lap...and that many things would birth from this...from that type of relationship. In my interpretation, he was also talking about Evelyn when he was referring to an infant in the Father's arms...and my close relationship with God birthing from Evie, my jewel. My precious jewel that is in His lap, that would draw my eyes to heaven, as if I could crawl right into His lap with her. This gift that He used to create such a real relationship with Him, just as real as the relationship I had with Evelyn the nine months she lived inside of me and the 13 hours I got to spend with her in my arms...AND that many things would birth from this...that many things would "birth" from giving birth to Evelyn, from my experience, from my love for her, and from my relationship with God. And oh, how He used her to draw me right into His heavenly presence.

As He reveals these things that will be birthed from Evie...I hope to blog about them, so that others can walk this journey with me, and see His miracles and His grace unfold in my life to encourage you of the miracles and the grace you can experience in your own life. You are one decision away from experiencing a life full of miracles for yourself! I saw the mansions in heaven in a dream...the place he is preparing for his sons and daughters, and I assure you, it is real. Heaven is a real place! Read, "Heaven is for Real," by Todd Burpo, and please let me or someone you know pray with you about your life and your eternity

Some of these "things" have already started to take shape...so I hope to share them with you soon...

Glimpse of next story: "Wisdom through Jewelry"
After writing this blog, and after getting hired at Rahab's Rope, an anti-human trafficking ministry using jewelry as a tool, I was walking from the storefront to the office, separated by a couple stores, and saw the engraved plaque of the store next to ours that reads "Gem Jewelry Co." All I saw was "Gem Jewel" as if the rest was cut-off(Jem/Gem=Jewel, referenced above)...and experienced a "God moment" knowing I was in the right place at that exact moment, that he had me right where he wanted me! What a peace that came over me to know that I was walking in His purpose for me at this time in my life. Prior to getting hired at Rahab's Rope, the Lord also brought me to the opportunity with Premier Designs(high fashion jewelry), which I am still involved with. He confirmed my starting with Premier Designs using scripture about wisdom and jewels and through a dream about learning public speaking. He confirmed my starting with Rahab's Rope through my first conversation with one of the founders(multiple connections/coincidences). Then, He also confirmed that I be involved in both! Two jewelry companies! I am also planning a benefit to prevent human trafficking on my daughter's one year anniversary to heaven that has recently been renamed to "Jewels from Heaven" through God's prompt. It's like I am hearing jewel, jewel, jewel, jewel, jewel, just like I read in the Bible that day! God is so good!

*prophetic session: just wanted to clarify that this is nothing like a psychic reading. The people that do prophetic sessions have the gift of prophecy, which is really just receiving words of edification from the Holy Spirit to fellow Christians. Do some more research on 'gift of prophecy' if you want to know more.