After I lost Evelyn, God tuned me in to his creation and his touch more than ever. A few months after my loss, I went for a walk and a big, beautiful white butterfly flew in front of me and landed on the green grass. It was one of those happenings that were covered in God's glory. The more I have experienced these moments, the more I have come to know the Holy Spirit, prompts from God, etc. God has revealed to me how much he is in control of his creation. My eyes shoot down at a word in the Bible and the word or passage feels like it is jumping out at me, I spot a white butterfly in the distance as I'm driving. All these things are not "me looking for something"...it is God. He directs my eyes, he puts his creation into motion at the exact moment...and then they meet.
I knew that the white butterfly on my walk was from God, and so I went home to look up the meaning of a white butterfly. And I read....some believe it is the soul of a child, etc., etc. I sat in awe of how God was speaking to me about my hurt and about my daughter's presence in heaven and the gift of divine encounters with him. I do not believe, however, that the white butterfly is Evie's soul. What I do believe is that God is in total control of all his creation, giving angels some control, and possibly giving people in heaven a little control. To me, this white butterfly was a little gift from God, Evie, and the angels that are with me...when the pain is just too much to handle, they are saying "I am with you, we are with you...see?"
After this first white butterfly incident, many more followed...too many to count. A few I remember distinctly. On Mother's Day 2011, the first Mother's Day after I lost Evie, my mom on and I were on the back porch talking before the Rock Goodbye Angel Balloon Release, and this white butterfly fluttered around us for about 30 minutes. It went away for a few minutes, and I went inside to get my camera. I knew it would be back. And sure enough, I came back outside and a few minutes later and it showed up....fluttering around us, and then landing on my big toe. I'll never forget the feeling of those tiny, delicate feet walking all around my toe. It stayed for a good minute and I got a picture of it. My mom and I were both speechless. We knew this butterfly was special the whole time it was with us...and then for it to land on my toe...it was confirmation.
I was having a pretty hard time the week or so leading up to my birthday, and I prayed for God to show me something to help me through...to know he was there. I was outside letting Max go the bathroom and this white butterfly flew right in front of my face...within inches. I immediately felt the overwhelming presence of God, and was so thankful for this little sign that he was with me.
A week or so later at the Rock Goodbye Angel Angel Babies 5K, held yesterday on May 6th....I was getting close to the finish line at the end of mile 1 and a white butterfly flew across the path in front of me. I wasn't sure if I'd run at all, but upon starting, I was determined I would. I made it about a mile and half without stopping to walk, praying the whole time for God to give me strength. I really had not trained and had not even jogged more than a few yards at a time since before I was pregnant with Evelyn. To see this white butterfly during this special run, was an amazing gift from God. God's overwhelming presence was with me the whole time, and I heard him whispering to me...I am your strength, I am proud of you, you are a survivor, my glory is on you. I was holding back tears the entire time...feeling God's heavy grace on me, knowing how far I had come since my loss a year and a half ago, remembering my little angel who is so dear to my heart.
We had signs made with our child's name on them that were placed throughout the course, and we took them home at the end of the day. I wasn't sure what I would do with mine, but my mom suggested putting it in the garden off the back patio near Evie's rock. I went out there this morning to put it in the ground and a white butterfly showed up...fluttering all around me. It landed on the ledge of the rock wall, I bent down and slowly put my finger right up to it, thinking it would definitely fly away. It stuck out it's very long tongue and felt around on my finger...then it slowly crawled onto it. I slowly stood up and just held the butterfly inches from my face marveling at it's beauty. What an amazing creature. To see this delicate creation so close up...I was in heaven for a moment. It walked all around from finger to finger, using it's tongue the whole time to feel around first.
I can only think that it was God that allowed this butterfly to have such trust for me...that it would crawl right onto my finger instead of flying away. Allowing me to bring it so close to my face, staying for a couple minutes...enough to bless me tremendously with our encounter. I believe there are opportunities daily, for everyone, who have prayed for new eyes to see and new ears to hear....to witness God in action, to feel and know his presence. If you ask, you will receive. What He has in store for us....it's unimaginable! Please, be reconciled to God through Christ.
"No eye has seen,
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
-1 Corinthians 2:8
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
2 Corinthians 4:6
2 Corinthians 5:11-21: The Ministry of Reconciliation
Since, then, we know what it is to fear the Lord, we try to persuade others. What we are is plain to God, and I hope it is also plain to your conscience. 12 We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 13 If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. 14 For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 15 And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19 that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors,as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21 God made him who had no sin to be sin[b] for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.